Sa radem de ei – Glume in Engleza

octombrie 19, 2010 la 18:00 | Publicat în De ale mele | Lasă un comentariu
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British rescue operation :
Use stealth tactics to get into the enemy building. Use silenced
weapons and gas to disable combatants and avoid detection. Rescue
victim quickly and without taking any casualties.

American rescue operation:
Roll up in Hummers, because they are cool. Throw grenades at building
until everyone inside is dead, because explosions are fucking cool.
Drag corpse of person you just ‘rescued’ out of the rubble and stick
American flag in them. High five anyone in your platoon still alive.

What’s worse than being captured by the Taliban?
Being rescued by the Americans. :)))

Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English.
I wanted to ‘save’ the document but accidentally blew it up.

Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release:
Miner: ‘Can we switch the lights off?’ . . .
Wife: ‘Of course honey’ . . .
Miner: ‘Can I have you from behind?’ . . .
Wife: ‘Anything you want my brave boy’ . . .
Miner: ‘Can I call you Pedro? . . . . . ‘ :)))

The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice
you.

I can’t wait for next season’s Merseyside Derby!
Liverpool v Tranmere Rovers Asta pt Stefan 😀

Gillette. The best a man can get.
There’s me thinking it was two hookers, some Jack Daniels and a bag
of coke but no, you’re right.Slicing my face with your over-priced
blades can’t be equalled. – Si asta e buna rau :)))

I said to my girlfriend, „Do you want to see me pull a really ugly face?”
She laughed and said, „Go on then”.
So I grabbed hers.

Arsenal football club have banned the Vuvuzela from their stadium.
Other things on the banned list are English people and trophies.

Facebook: „Richard needs your help on FarmVille!”
I sent him a link to Pornhub…

The in-laws are hosting a party for my wife. I wasn’t going, but now
they’ve asked if I could prepare a speech to mark the occasion. I’m
not much of a writer, but; here’s what I’ve got:

„Sarah, you have made me the happiest man alive. When the day
finally came, I couldn’t believe my luck, you’ve made all my wildest
dreams come true. Rest in peace.”

I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them.
The police, however, call it theft.

So, this man walks into a public bathroom and goes up to a urinal. He
can’t help but notice the short man standing next to him. So, he surely
can’t help but notice the man’s large penis.

The man says to the short man, „Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but
notice what a large penis you have.”

The short man replies, „I am a leprechaun, and becuase you’ve talked
to me, I will grant you three wishes.”

The man is skeptical, but decides to go ahead and believe him
anyway. He tells the leprechaun that he wants to live in a mansion.

The short man replies, „Tomorrow morning you will wake up in a
mansion.”

The man says, „Ok, I want a beautiful girlfriend.”

„Tomorrow you will wake up next to a beautiful woman.”

The man is still not 100% sure whether to believe him or not, but
figures why not. „I want a penis as large as yours.”

„Alright, but there’s a catch, to that request”

„What’s that?”

„You have to let me have sex with you.”

The man thinks for a second, and figures that it was worth getting a
penis that large.

The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, „I can’t
believe I’m gonna have a penis as big as yours.”

The short man replies :

„I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun.”

:))))

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
„Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today.”
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering „My God…My God”.

„Mr. President,” says Cheney, „we lose soldiers all the time, and it’s
terrible. But I’ve never seen you so upset. What’s the matter?”
Bush looks up and says… „How many is a Brazilian?”

:))))

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where
to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.
:))))

Man goes to the doctor and says „I’ve got a huge hole in my ass”
The doctors says „drop your pants, bend over and let have a look”.
„Fuck me!!” says the doctor ” what could have made a hole as big as
that?”
Patient replies I’ve been fucked by an elephant”.
The doctor says, „An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is
enormous”.
Patient replies, „He fingered me first”. :))))

Bancuri cu Geoana si Basescu ! Bancuri Electorale.

decembrie 10, 2009 la 06:56 | Publicat în De ale mele | 3 comentarii
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1. Care e cel mai scurt banc ?
Geoana presedinte !

2. Ce inseamna Presedinte PSD ?
Sa fii presedinte duminica
Ce inseamna sa fii presedinte PD-L ?
Sa fii presedinte de Luni !

3. Cum pui dopul la o sampanie deschisa ?
Nu stiu, intreaba-l pe Geoana

Si sa nu ma acuze cineva de apartenenta, am cateva chiar mai bune cu Basescu.

1.Basescu la psihiatru:
– Nu stiu ce se-ntampla ca in ultimul timp sunt tot mai atacat de
opozitie si de moguli, au inceput sa ma paraseasca pana si sustinatorii
fideli si scad vertiginos in sondaje. Mi se reproseaza ca prea ma bag in
toate, ca sunt autoritar si chiar ca ma dau drept Dumnezeu…

Psihiatrul:
– S-o luam incet si metodic. Spuneti-mi amanuntit si in ordine
cronologica tot ce-ati facut.

Basescu:
– Pai, la inceput am creat Cerul si Pamantul…

2.Ambitia lui Emil Boc a fost:
“Ori premier ori nimic!”
I-au reusit amandoua…

3.Extenuat de lupta pentru iesirea din criza, premierul face el insusi
una si, cum se mai zice, da ortul popii.Funeralii nationale, popor, sobor,
alesi, culesi, regrete eterne etc.Pe marginea mormantului, Traian
Basescu plange in hohote din ambii ochi smulgandu-si ultimele suvite
din parul restant iar Elena Udrea, cernita toata, jeleste telegenic si
ecumenic.In trei cuvinte, mare jale mare! In drum spre iesirea din
cimitir, Elena Udrea se apleaca discret la urechea lui Traian Basescu
si-i sopteste plina de speranta:

– Traiane, nu-i asa ca as putea acum sa-i iau eu locul?
Iar Traian Basescu o asigura:
– Cum sa nu, Elena, numai ca trebuie sa te grabesti pana nu astupa aia groapa.

Drumul Iasi-Galati cu roaba.

noiembrie 25, 2009 la 13:12 | Publicat în De ale mele | 9 comentarii
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Refuz sa mai vorbesc despre subiectul politic dezbatut de toata lumea, si
de cum vor ei sa scape de BAsescu, da nu se duc la vot, sau cum ”dau”
ei voturile de la unu la altu, de parca ar da o bucata de branza, de parca
ar da ei de la masa. Nu mi-am exprimat toate ”frustrarile” pe subiectul
asta dupa cum se vede, insa ma mai abtin. Poate pentru turul DOI.

Am sa va spun cate ceva de pe drum. In afara ca avem ”Sageti Albastre”
care merg mai incet decat un personal,avem si o groaza de lume colorata.
De ce dracu ii spui ACCELERAT cand el merge cu o medie de 60 km/h ?
Cum sa fie asta accelerat cand el face 240 KM in 4 ore ? Si tin minte ca
ma uitam la stiri chiar in seara dinainte sa plec, ca aia de prin China
am impresia, au pus in functiune cel mai rapid tren din lume si filmau
din interiorul lui cum atingea 330 km/h. Cum dracu maaa?? Si aia traiesc
in COMUNISM ? Plus ca dracu m-a pus sa ma uit pe Discovery la cum
arata un spital in China sau Japonia. Ai de viata noastra de marmote ce
suntem..

Sa revenim totusi la oamenii colorati. In spatele meu erau niste tigani
care povesteau ei cum furat capete de linie de la CFR, da cica erau
linii de alea dezafectate ( ma rog, eu n-au folosit termenul asta ). Sa
va mai spun ca aveau si CELULAR si cand vorbeau la el, auzea si
mecanicul ? Si cum nu aveam ce face, 4 ore, am inceput sa imi dau
mesaje cu intelectuala mea sora. Ea imi spunea bancuri, seci, eu ii
povesteam ce vad in jur. Si cum beleam ochii pe geam, ce vad. Un
peisaj superb. Printr-un sat, cred ca prin Vaslui, treceam pe langa un
cimitir. Langa cimitir, un parculet pentru aia mici. In parculetul ala
micut si cochet, inconjurat din 3 parti de cimitir, se inalta o statuie
a lui Peter Pann… mare nene. Da mare. Cu fata desigur, catre cimitir, zambind.

EPiC !

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